


Life’s A Beach

by Lonewritersclub



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, Suncream times and stuff, Yellow Submarine, beach, heheh, superbatjokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 15:48:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15754833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonewritersclub/pseuds/Lonewritersclub
Summary: It's a hot day in Gotham. Joker wants to go to the beach. Clark and Bruce oblige. Nygma doesn't know how to sail and crashes his and Ivy's stolen submarine and become stranded on the shore. Ivy is not pleased. Nygma feels jealous. Joker keeps laughing.It's a hot day.





	Life’s A Beach

It’s hardly ever sunny in Gotham but with the recent heatwaves washing over the whole world, even Gotham has got its fair share of hot summer days. And despite the high end air condition cooling down the penthouse apartment in the heart of the city, even Bruce was feeling the heat under his neat Armani suit. Additionally it being a Saturday afternoon when Bruce was already back home from the office and Clark had no work at all had Joker whining and demanding that they went to the beach.

Since there was nothing else planned then that was what they did.

Alfred helped them pack up their necessities in a big basket while Joker concentrated on bringing everything superfluous he could get his hands on including an ancient mobile CD-player without headphones, a pizza cutter (in case they wanted to get pizza of course) and a pair of green mittens (whatever could he even use them for?).

Clark was about to just throw him over his shoulder to get him into the car before he would pick up anything else pointless but all he really cared about anymore was about stopping in some store to buy a ring duck floaty. And Bruce being the gracious billionaire he was, he stopped by a drug store on their way to the seaside.

Joker was thrilled, over the moon even, as after a tiresome long drive in traffic they finally arrived at one the more secluded beaches in Gotham. There wasn’t many people around fortunately despite the great weather which was good because, well, Joker was still very much the Joker and looked exactly like himself as he did on live TV when a news crew followed his disastrous actions from a safe distance and Bruce wasn’t exactly an unknown person himself either.

Only Clark would have managed to pass unnoticed but considering his bulk, he would attract attention too when he took his shirt off which would then leave people to stare at the flimsy looking clown hanging by his neck and the brooding billionaire watching them from afar and rolling his eyes. It was simply a chance of good luck that most of the people on the beach looked like they had had too much to drink even though it was only two o’clock in the afternoon or they were too busy looking after their kids to pay attention to their concoction of a trio.

Thankfully the beach wasn’t all that tiny Bruce found them a nice place on a clean part of the beach away from the other visitors where there even were some free sunbeds around, though rickety old things they were, and sun umbrellas. Clark set down their things and laid out their towels while Bruce looked after Joker who was already running towards the waves in his purple shorts and black and yellow striped tank-top. 

He got himself utterly drenched when a huge wave crashed to the shore before he could manage to skid away from it. He had his green flip-flops in his hands as jumped all about on the hot sand and getting his tows wet when the tide broke on the shore all the while laughing and cackling away like the madman he was. He was clearly simply enjoying himself and Bruce could smile at that even though he worried they might be attracting some attention from all the others with the noise they were making.

Clark grinned at Bruce as he stood up from arranging the sunbeds to his liking and began watching the joys of the clown himself too.

“He’s going to burn his skin if he doesn’t put sunblock on it soon”, he commented hands resting on his hips dutifully.

“Jay! C’mere”, Bruce called for him and waved for him to get back from the shore. For once the clown listened to him and ran back into the shade with them. He was panting slightly with a big toothy smile on his pale face.

“Even the water’s warm out there!” he announced to them while catching his breath.

Bruce sat down onto one of the two sunbeds they had and patted the place next to him. Joker obediently did as he was told and sat down despite his eagerness to get back to the sea.

“We need to get some sun lotion on you before you get sunburnt”, Bruce told him and took the bottle of some heavy, very high SPF sunblock from the basket Alfred prepared them while Clark helped Joker get out his top.

“Oh, that’s a good idea. I still remember very lividly the last time I got this fair, vulnerable complexion of mine sunburnt. It was real pain in the ass, literally. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t do anything! I couldn’t wear even a thread of cloth during those two agonizing weeks while my skin peeled off in small dry patches of sting and grossness. All of those coats of aloe vera I had to drench myself with could have lasted me a lifetime. Harley wrapped me up like a mummy with antiseptic gauze to keep all the cream from wiping off”, Joker ranted causing Bruce and Clark to wince at times in sympathy although Joker didn’t seem too bothered by it anymore himself. Bruce just focused on rubbing the lotion on the pale expanse of Joker’s whole body all the more carefully and thoroughly.

“You’ll need to reapply this at least every hour and every time after you’ve gone swimming, okay. I’d imagine you wouldn’t want to relive that experience again”, Clark reminded him and offered Joker to take a swig out of the giant bottle of water Bruce had bought at the drugstore.

“Well that only happened because Crane had forgot to pump gas for our getaway car and we ended up stranded in the desert in the middle of nowhere. We had to walk for twenty miles under the scorching sun and since it was so warm, I had to take my shirt off and roll up my pant legs. And the rest is history as they say but you would remember what happened next, wouldn’t you, Bats?” Joker said with a wink to Bruce before he took a big gulp of water.

Oh yes, Bruce could remember. He probably wouldn’t have even recognized the Joker hadn’t it been for his infamous green hair and red lips. His whole skin had been red like a tomato and his clothes stressed into shreds. He hadn’t managed to catch him then, though. Harley had snatched him up from right under his nose.

He remembered Joker practically collapsing into the backseat of the red convertible, eyes falling shut midway through it. One of the reasons Batman had decided not to go after them – they wouldn’t have been up to do anything bad right then and it looked like Joker needed to be somewhere else more suited to his needs than at Arkham at that moment.

“But I’m not going to make that mistake again. The next time I deserted in the dynes my clothes are staying on no matter how hot it gets!” Joker exclaimed decisively snapping Bruce out of his thoughts.

Clark lied down on the sunbed having taken of his button down white shirt off already and put on his Ray Ban sunglasses with a sigh.

“I hope it never gets to that, Jay”, he mused.

Bruce rubbed his hands together to get rid of the excess lotion and took of his own shirt and hung it on the umbrella. He already felt little drops of sweat forming on his skin as he laid down on the sunbed himself too. It was a really hot day.

Joker looked at the both of them with curious expectant eyes and then pouted when nothing else happened.

“Aren’t we gonna go swim now?” he asked.

Bruce sighed out slightly. It was just so damn hot, he felt kind of tired actually.

“Sure. In a minute or two. You can fill up your floaty in the meantime”, he responded and pointed to the basket lazily with the wave of his hand. Joker didn’t look too approving of his level of energy Bruce was displaying to their beach escapade.

Clark flew to the rescue before the corners of Joker’s mouth could turn any more downwards. “I’ll blow it out for you”, he said and took the floaty in his hands and started blowing. It took no more than five seconds for him to fill it up and Joker excitedly observed the whole process go down from the floaty being a mere plate of plastic to a plump white and blue swimming ring with a great big yellow duck’s head pointing out of it happily.

Joker grabbed it into his hands as soon as Clark got the plug closed up with a big grin on his face.

“Oh this is simply swell! I love it – let’s go swim!”

Bruce couldn’t help but grumble a bit as he was pulled up with Joker’s assistance onto the hot sand and across it over to the waters. Clark didn’t seem as bothered as Bruce did, obviously, and Bruce remembered that just because Clark didn’t have to put on sunblock, he probably should have himself.

In a minute he will, he thought to himself.

Joker full on dived into the waves, his loud laughing cut off abruptly as his head disappeared underneath. Clark chuckled light-heartedly and dived in after to swim. Bruce simply enjoyed the slightly cooler temperature of the water against his sticky skin for a moment. Bruce gazed into the brilliant blue sky, breathing in deep the humid salty air.

It was truly a hot day.

A great plash was heard as Joker tackled Clark back into the waves as they both emerged at the same time. Loud cackling followed it. Bruce couldn’t help but smile at them. This was good for them all, to have a day outside and relax. This was a good idea, Bruce would have to give that one to Joker.

Bruce did a few laps of swimming out to the sea before heading back to the shore where even Joker was beginning to get tired of trying to stay upwards in the mass of waves. Clark ended up carrying him back to their sunbeds as Joker whined about the sand being too hot to be walked on, although he was probably just really lazy and wanted to piggybackride on Clark. Bruce followed with a grin on his lips and then crashed onto his sunbed with a deep sigh. 

“We’ve got to get ice cream after this”, Joker states like it’s the law – as if he ever cared about the law – as he splats down between Bruce’s legs on the sunbed and lies himself down on him. Clark smiles as he places unnecessary sunglasses on top of his nose while Joker gazes straight into the sun like a madman blinking and squinting more than he can see. Bruce lays his hand over the green eyes, engulfing Joker’s vision in darkness. Joker doesn’t resist. They’ve got a thing going.

On the other side of the beach emerging from the waters Poison Ivy and Edward Nygma are swimming to the shore. A huge circle of air bubbles rise to the surface of the water from the spot they coming from. Their submarine had sunken.

“Jesus Christ, Nygma, you call yourself so damn smart but can’t even avoid hitting the shoal?” Ivy raged as she made her way to the beach on the surge of the awesome waves. Her dress of leaves was absolutely drenched and glistening with water and red hair sopping wet as she turned to stare at Nygma coming through to the shore himself, at times nearly falling back into the sea as the waves drew back and hit him on the back again.

He held his question mark cane in one hand and his green derby in the other. His shining green suit was wrinkled and dark with water and the look on his face disgruntled as he stared back at Ivy.

“May I remind you of what I’d said earlier? Let _me_ do the navigating and _you_ take care of the sailing.” he snarled back at her. “You were supposed to be giving me the directions – NOT the other way around!”

Ivy crossed her arms over her chest with a huff while Nygma finally made it to the beach with a big thump as he collapsed on the ground in exhaustion.

“Well, I’m going to go home now. We’re just sitting ducks out here”, Ivy muttered and started looking around the beach squinting her eyes due to the bright sunlight. Nygma sat up, his front completely matted with sand.

“Yeah, and how do you plan on that? According to my calculations, we’re some forty miles away from the city. You’re going to need some form of secret transportation without being detected by the boys in blue”, he said and then added with a disgusted grunt and a tremor going through his spine, “or worse, by the _Batman_ and his little birds.”

But Ivy wasn’t listening. Her eyes were glued to the other side of the beach. Her face held a dumbfounded frown and her lips parted in astonishment. She was struggling to find words.

Bruce _Wayne_ was rubbing suncream into a certain green haired madman’s back while _another_ heavily muscled and handsome man was holding the madman down by his swinging legs – with a _smile_ on his face.

The green haired one was _screaming_ with laughter, yelling that it was tickling him, as Wayne rubbed more lotion to his white as sheet sides. Ivy could hear it all the way to the other side of the beach where she was currently stuck with the Riddler.

What the hell was Bruce Wayne and this other burly-ass man, who for some reason reminded Ivy of a certain someone she couldn’t quite place her finger on, were doing with the _Joker_? And moreover, how were they fine with hanging out with the Joker? On the beach in broad daylight none the least?

Were they Joker’s hostages? But they were the ones holding Joker down. Did they work for the clown then? But no, that couldn’t be it either. Wayne for sure wouldn’t work for someone like the Joker, not unless he was being forced to. But Wayne looked too happy to be held there against his will – and the smile on his face wasn’t even the smile she had seen him put on for the cameras. This one was authentic. 

It had to mind control then. Joker had stolen one of Hatter’s devices and then found these two hunky guys to do everything he wanted to fill his each and every one of his slutty desires. That must be it. It had to be.

Even though Ivy couldn’t see a playing card having been stuck on either one of them. It was… bizarre but it was the only explanation.

When Ivy didn’t say anything, Nygma traced her stare to the other side as well and nearly gasped as he realized who it was.

“Joker?” he whispered to himself in confusion and stood up as if to get a better look at them. “And Bruce Wayne,” Ivy continued with a flat voice and then glanced at Nygma. “Who’s that other guy?”

Nygma squinted.

“Looks like Clark Kent. A journalist from Metropolis”, he answered then and with that realization became even more confused than before. Why on earth would a journalist from Metropolis be spending time on the beach with Gotham billionaire Bruce Wayne and notorious criminal mastermind, and Nygma’s on and off fling, the Joker and seemingly have a blast while doing so?

“Oh yeah, Clark Kent! That’s where I know him from, the Metropolitan newspaper. Yeah…” Ivy mused though she sounded less and less convinced about it as she trailed off. Why would she ever read a Metropolitan newspaper? Her only subscriptions included the Gotham Gazette and Gardening Botanically. Perhaps she had simply caught a glimpse of the paper when she visited the place a few months ago during a Lex laboratory heist. Yeah… That must be it.

“Well, we’d better get out of here then. I don’t think it’ll do us any good if the Joker catches us here. Even if Wayne and Kent are fine with hanging out with the clown, they still might call the cops on us”, Nygma said although he doesn’t really think that way. He just doesn’t want to face Joker right now. Not like this when he’s out there sunbathing with the two muscular men on the beach and having fun while Nygma was soiled with seaweed and sand and his shoes filled with salt water so that they squeaked each time he took a step.

Ivy pursed her lips with a thoughtful look on her face and poised her hands on her hips as she regarded the trio. “Actually, I was thinking they could be our ride back to the city.” She looked at Nygma. “I mean, Wayne’s probably got a fancy lambo in the parking lot just waiting for us to take a test drive.”

Nygma wrinkled his forehead at her. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. We don’t know if they’re leaving soon. When they find that the car’s stolen, the cops will have their eyes peeled for the car and then we’ll be sitting ducks for sure, on the streets stuck in the traffic waiting to be caught”, Nygma said trying to think logically but also in favour of himself which entailed not letting Joker have any clue of his presence whatsoever.

Ivy huffed again.

“I’m pretty sure Wayne has enough money not to care about a stolen car. He’ll just call his little butler to get them and all will be well again. Besides, I’m tired and I want to go home now. It’s fine by me if you wanna stay here and dry up like a sad little lime in the sun – I’ve had just enough of your smartass company to last me a lifetime. And you know, I think I want to feel some speed again after your sluggish sailing trip”, Ivy responded and started walking towards the parking lot, taking the route farthest away from the two men and the clown.

Nygma scowled at her retreating back before swallowing down his pride and following her. The more time he spent at the beach, the greater the risk grew that he was spotted by Joker. With two squeaky shoes, he ran to Ivy and with the roll of her eyes she allowed him to come along with her. But this time, she was behind the wheel.

Back on the other side of the beach, Joker hollers with more laughter.

“Oh man, did you notice Eddie right over there just now? Ah! He looked downright like a miserable old wet rag! And what a grumpy little face he had – almost beats yours, Batsy!”

Bruce and Clark take a look at where Joker’s shaking finger had pointed to but there’s no one there anymore. For a second Bruce wonders if it was just a delusion but then he gets a notice in his phone that his car’s engine is being started without the car keys. He half grunts and half chuckles at that – the car won’t actually start unless he confirms it with the use of his fingerprint on the phone. The Riddler’s going to have to try to hijack another car if he wants to get out here, however that may be difficult as there weren’t other cars parked in the lot at least when they came to the beach. He’ll just have to walk then or try to think of something smarter which shouldn’t be hard for him.

Bruce isn’t going to go after him though. Not right now.

He’s relaxing with his family now and trying not to get himself or Joker sunburnt. Besides, Clark has already made an anonymous call to the GCPD hotline and Joker had quipped that plant lady had been there too “looking as disapproving as ever with seaweed for hair”.

Bruce pondered why Joker was so ready to tell on his fellow criminals and to his surprise the clown explained to him without a worry in the world.

“Why, if they weren’t in Arkham, whom would I play cards with then?”

And Bruce had to remind him that Joker wasn’t going to go back to Arkham anymore because he was living him and Clark now. But the clown just giggled at him with a slight shake of his head and said “sure, sure”. Bruce didn’t really like that and even Clark looked a little worried but they would have to just work through it when the time came.

For now at least Joker shouldn’t be able to get into any trouble. Not here on the beach and in the blinding sunlight and steaming heat, lying in the sun between Bruce and Clark. After all, on the beach life’s a relief. Or something of a funny business, to certain pale clowns at least.

(Then they ended up having take-out pizza and Joker got to use his pizza cutter, and he held the hot box using two mittens clad hands to avoid burns, and he then ate while listening to old 90s rap songs on the CD-player meaning the all listened to old 90s rap songs while eating pizza because there were no headphones. And now that was just a handy coincidence, wasn’t it then?)

(Bruce’s Lamborghini smelled like pepperoni pizza for a week afterwards.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> What even is thiiiiis......


End file.
